In the Crucible

I would never have chosen to be divorced.  It's taken me a while to come to grips with the realities of my new identity.  (Those I know, anyway!  I'm sure there's a boatload of unknown ones that will crash upon my shore when I least expect it!) 

The most difficult part really is the impact this has on my kids.  It breaks my heart to watch them struggle with the weight of something they somehow know, yet are not old enough to understand.  They have the knowledge that Daddy isn't here like he was combined with the fear of what that means and the innate sense that they want and need him here. 

At this moment they are also struggling with the temporary (I hope!) craziness of life as Mommy works in overdrive to launch her career.  I had thought I was the only one suffering from severe exhaustion, but it's hitting the little ones too.  We have a few days at home scheduled this week; we all need them! 

With all this yuckiness, it feels almost wrong to find something positive about this experience, but I shamefully admit it is true.  I am discovering a me I didn't know existed . . . or maybe a me that I once knew (in a purer, more innocent form) and somehow forgot about.  A me I like.  A me I'm proud of. 

Who is this woman? 

Well, it's hard to pinpoint.  I'm not really doing anything that remarkable.  I'm writing.  Okay, I've done that in one form or another for decades.  I'm interfacing with Rhode Island's agricultural community.  Okay, I've done that in one form or another for decades.  I'm pursuing opportunities with abandon.


AAAAHHH!  That's the difference.  I have always joked that I am lazy by proclivity and industrious by training.  And there is an element of truth in that.  But now I am suddenly captivated by work.  All kinds of work.  Any kind of work.  VBS Director.  Agricultural Writer.  Copy Editor.  Grant Manager.  Grant Writer.  Ag Statistics Enumerator.  Agricultural Technical Service Provider. 

Part of it, I'm sure is necessity.  My kids need me to succeed.  But perhaps I also need me to succeed.  Not just for financial stability, but as a form of therapy, a reminder that this situation will not destroy me.  It will not destroy my kids.  We are a bit battered and broken, but God is going to bring us out of this fire shining like pure gold.

And there is the biggest part: God.  I am daily, sometimes moment-by-moment, amazed at the way God is providing for us.  Just as I finish one job . . . often before I finish a job . . . God is giving me another.  Sometimes more than I think I can handle!  But He is providing the strength.  More than that.  He is providing delight in the very difficulty of it.  (Not all the time, but tonight for sure!) 

And I like that.  I like that I'm working harder and longer than I've ever worked before . . . and finding pleasure in it.  I love that God is throwing a mishmash of job opportunities at me, diverse work that keeps me learning and stretching and interested. 

And I like that I realize I can't--and shouldn't--keep up this pace forever.  (Not even for another week!)  I am glad that I am able to look ahead and see my time more manageably budgeted . . . without leaving anything undone. 

Most of all, I am grateful that this acknowledgement of my humanity does not leave me disappointed in myself, but grateful for the people who have helped me embrace my weaknesses and limitations without self-judgment . . . and thankful to the God who made me just the way I am.