What is "Right"?

Maybe you're like me and were raised with a strong sense of "right and wrong."  Some people rebel against that construct.  Not me.  I like a world where black is black and white is white, where right is right, and wrong is, well, wrong.  I like rules, regulations, clearly-defined expectations.  

This is why I was always a good student.  The teacher would give an assignment.  In the words describing the assignment were expectations: length, type of writing style, necessary elements.  Some teachers even handed out rubrics!  What could be better than that?!  Not only did you get the assignment, you knew how many points were ascribed to each requirement and what kind of performance would result in which grade.  

Surely this is Heaven!

Over four decades, I have internalized those same values, judging myself against the assignment of perfection.  Now, mind you, I am also very orthodox in my acceptance of the Bible and Christianity, so I know (cerebrally) that no one is perfect except Christ and that Christ died to cover my imperfections with His perfection, gifting me with an undeserved imputed righteousness.  

That's in my head.  My heart is another story.  

My heart is striving for perfection.  Perfection in thought, in emotion, in intent, and most definitely in action.  How I suffer in soul when I fail!  

I am finding that there is something even harder than failing . . . determining what is actually "right."  It seems so simple: What does the Bible say?  Well, the truth is that the Bible says different things in different situations.  The Bible says, "Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse" (Romans 12:14).  The Bible also has Jesus overturning the money-changers' tables and calling the Pharisees white-washed tombs.  

You can argue that Jesus can get away with those things because He is perfect and knows all hearts, etc. etc.  And you are right.  But there's the rub: in some cases the perfectly "right" thing to do involves cursing, NOT blessing.  

I have been trained that Christians do "good" things: we smile, we placate, we sacrifice selflessly, we serve joyfully, we speak kindly.  It is true we should do these things . . . when they are warranted.  Frankly, though, there are times when doing the "good" thing is actually doing the "wrong" thing.  

Yikes!  My paradigm is all out of wack; my world is in chaos; my mind, heart and soul are in distress!  (I joke not.)  How am I to know what to do when the truly right thing feels wrong and the wrong thing feels right?  

I didn't run into these quandaries so much in my all-knowing teens and twenties.  Getting married, having kids, getting divorced . . . those have rocked my world.  Ask yourself, when is letting your spouse choose a restaurant you don't really like compromise . . . and when is it losing your sense of self?  When is issuing a punishment and then changing your mind rectifying a wrong . . . and when is it failing to build healthy boundaries? 

And when is the amount of heart-rending self-doubt and second-guessing so counterproductive that the best decision is to stop worrying about it, do what you do, and be at peace with the fact that you will sometimes make mistakes and the God of the universe is big enough to fix them if we are humble enough to leave it in His hands? 

I do NOT have this all figured out.  What I think I've learned can be summed up in a very few points. 

•  I am not God.  I will make mistakes.  God expects them, that's why He sent Jesus.  I need to rest in the person and work of the triune God . . . and stop trying to be what I can never--should never try to--be.  
• Boundaries are healthy.  God invented and maintains boundaries.  Some boundaries are brick walls, and it hurts to run into them.  It does not mean the wall is bad or wrong; it means the person running should have had sense enough to stop before making contact.   
• The fact that something makes you feel badly does not mean that the thing itself is wrong.  Having an emergency C-Section is painful (hopefully after the fact . . . not during!).  Does that mean the doctor should have let the child or mother or both perish to spare the short-term suffering?  Of course not!  Life is full of C-Sections.  
• Godly counsel is worth its weight in gold.  Caveat: NOT ALL CHRISTIANS HAVE GOOD ADVICE!!!!!  Some have downright terrible advice.  Test the spirits of your "counselors" before relying on them.  Once you find them godly, honest, and correct . . . listen to them.  Their third-party objectivity will often be invaluable when your emotions are rioting.  
• Pray . . . and trust the Holy Spirit.  There will be times when God is telling you something that doesn't make sense to anyone else.  How you recognize it as the voice of God is probably unique to you, but for me it comes as a solid, unwavering conviction in the pit of my stomach.  I just know.  Always go where God is leading.  

I don't know where God is leading me right now.  I can see options down the road, but I don't have any idea what will actually happen.  What I know is that He is taking me one small step--albeit rocky, precipitous, terrifying steps--at a time.  And I know He loves me and my children . . . and my ex.  And I know He has never failed me in the past . . . and He will never fail me in the future.  "Yea, though he slay me, yet shall I trust him!" 

And in that I rest.