A Safe Place

I've been thinking about "safety" lately, particularly in terms of relationships.

For too long, I think I have had an operating definition of "safety" as the freedom from physical harm.  Obviously that is a key component, but I am realizing it is far from the only one. 

Almost as important as the freedom from physical harm is the freedom from emotional harm.  Everyone needs a place where their emotions are given space "to be," even if those emotions might strike someone else as irrational, excessive, or "wrong." 

(Emotions can't be "wrong," by the way.  They just are.  It is what we do with those emotions that earns the labels "right" or "wrong.") 

It is only recently that I have realized that denying a person emotional safety not only feels like abuse, it actually is abuse.  The pamphlet "Peace at Home" put out by the RI Coalition Against Domestic Violence identifies five areas of domestic violence: physical; sexual; emotional, verbal, and psychological; financial; and digital. 

The pamphlet describes emotional abuse in these terms:

Includes constant put-downs and criticisms; minimizing the abuse or blaming the partner for the abuse; isolating the partner from family, friends, and activities; excessive jealousy; accusing the partner of cheating; monitoring the partner's every move; using threats and intimidation, such as threats of violence, angry looks or gestures, using weapons, driving recklessly, threatening to self-harm, or threatening to report the partner to social service agencies (e.g. welfare, immigration, child protection).

Hopefully you have never been in a relationship characterized by any of these things.  Since the National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey reports 1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men in America have, however, the odds are good that many of you out there know what this looks like first-hand.

For those of you in a relationship like this, it can be a lonely, desperate, miserable place.  There are some steps you can take, however.  The first is to talk to someone experienced in these issues.  A counselor/therapist and/or a local or national domestic violence agency would be a good first stop. 

The degree of the abuse and the degree to which it is negatively impacting your sense of self, your social interactions, your financial or emotional independence will impact whether you can or should remain in the relationship. 

I think it is important to remember, however, that any form of abuse is about power and control.  The fault for the abuse, all the time, is the abuser's.  It is never the victim's.  You don't make someone abuse you; they choose to abuse you. 

It is also important to remember that abuse can escalate.  Emotional abusers can turn into physical abusers . . . and you may not see it coming until it's too late. 

Oftentimes, the people in the relationship are the ones least likely to term it abuse . . . even as they are suffering intensely under the weight of it.  If you are a friend of someone in such a relationship, find a quiet time to gently and firmly describe what you see that concerns you.  Perhaps bring a resource like "Peace at Home" and cite concrete examples that illustrate your point. 

DO NOT PREACH, however.  If your friend cannot hear what you're saying or is unable/unwilling to act upon your words, that is okay.  Assert your support and love for them.  Remain close to them.  And let them know you are there for them if they ever want to talk. 

If they finally reach the point where they are ready to act, they will need you beside them more than you could possibly imagine.  It is okay to bring it up when you are concerned, but stop if they ask you to and refrain from judging them in any way. 

Getting into an abusive relationship is a thousand times easier than getting out. 

Everyone deserves a safe place, in every sense of the word.  Let's work together to make that a reality.