In Empathy

My sister-in-law just lost her grandmother.  After talking with her today, I am convicted about how I do or do not empathize with others.  I didn't send my sister-in-law a card or a fruit basket or a little card telling her I had donated to a worthy cause in her grandmother's name. 

Why not? 

Well, I saw her in person and hugged her and said I was sorry.  I have made plans to attend her grandmother's memorial service. 

I wonder, if it were my grandmother, would I feel like that was enough? 

Then there is one of my friends whose nephew was just killed in a car accident.  We were supposed to get together, and she had to cancel to fly home to be with her sister. 

I am shocked beyond words at what they are experiencing now.  I emailed my love and concern.  I am praying for them. 

If it were my nephew, would I feel like that was enough? 

English major that I am, I am pondering the difference between "empathy" and "sympathy."  "Sympathy" is to feel badly for someone.  "Empathy" is to actually feel the same emotions as the other person. 

I find it interesting that we say "In sympathy" on our cards.  Perhaps it is an unconscious truth we are expressing.  How many of us truly hear of a friend's tragedy and take the physical and emotional time to slide into their skin and truly grieve as they are grieving?  Or do we find it much easier to feel badly, to wish they weren't hurting, and then to go on our way? 

I am ashamed to admit I probably do the latter much more frequently than the former.  There are reasons for this, and some are good and valid.  After all, if we truly felt all the pain of all the people we know as they are experiencing it, we would explode.  And sometimes our own pain or trials can be so consuming that we have no capacity left for those of others. 

I've been in that place a time or two.  I am not quite in that place now. 

So tonight I am taking a moment to live in my sister-in-law's loneliness.  I am taking a moment to feel myself sitting with my own grieving sibling as we mourn one of my precious nephews.  And I am weeping for--weeping with--these two precious women and their families whom I love so dearly, and whose pain is so great. 

Love to you both.  And your families.  A prayer of strength and comfort for you both.  A knowledge that no words can assuage your pain. 

This is my love note to you.  In empathy.