Show Me the Money!

There are lots of difficult things about getting divorced.  Keeping life "normal" and healthy for the little ones is, of course, the most important.  Next to that I'm finding the financial details to be a headache-generator. 

The court--or my lawyer, in this case--sits down 15 minutes before your court appointment, asks some questions, does some back-of-the-envelope math and voilà!  You have a child support amount.  (Three hundred dollars less than the amount quoted you three months ago, but what's $300?!)

At least there's a formula with child support.  Granted, it's based on what the receiving party assumes they can make, and not what they actually make, but that's okay.

As an aside--if you are ever in the position to receive child support, do yourself a favor and go with the guaranteed income you have at that very moment in time.  As a close friend said, "If you find you're getting too much, you can always write them a refund check!"

I wish I had taken this wise advice.  Since I didn't, I'm growing accustomed to feeling knots in my stomach, chest, and brain.  Thank goodness I can buy massive amounts of antacid and ibuprofen at BJ's--at least while I can afford the membership!

Then there's alimony.  There you really just draw a number out of thin air.  "How much do you think you'll need in alimony?" my lawyer asked.

What????  How in the world do I know?  I've never raised two children, paid a mortgage, managed a rental property, and kept up 4 buildings on my own!  Isn't that what I hired you for?  To the tune of $300 an hour?!  (No wonder the little child support discrepancy didn't bother her . . . it's only one billable hour!)

I'll tell you what I really don't like about that scenario, besides the fact that it happened to me.  Some women have a husband who cheated . . . abused them . . . abused the kids . . . all kinds of horrible situations I can only thank God I have not experienced.  I didn't.  My husband and I get along pretty darn well--even now.  He wants what's best for the kids.  He just can't stay married to me.  It's really as amicable a divorce as I could ask for.

So don't ask me to figure out what's a fair alimony.  I don't even like taking alimony.  And I'm a Christian--we're supposed to love, forgive, be self-sacrificing, and love God more than money.  How do I manage that while telling my soon-to-be-ex how much of his paycheck I want every month?  Maybe some of you ladies (or gents!) have figured that one out.  If so, the comment section below is for you!

I'll save refinancing the mortgage and finding health insurance for another day!!

I'd like to say I've gained perfect clarity on this issue, but I really haven't.  What I can tell you is what I wish I could do better or differently:

1. Get as much information as you can as soon as you can.  Ask for advice from people who've been through it, especially if they've been divorced for a year or so.  They will often have the best perspective.  DON'T trust just one professional!!  Talk to at least two on every issue.  Really.  
2. Don't assume your lawyer is preparing you thoroughly.  I think they sometimes forget how little we know (especially the first time around), how stressful and emotional it is for us, and how easy it is to not even know the questions to ask.  Question, question, question.  (You are paying them, after all--don't let them bully you!)
3. Make a budget on your own before talking to your lawyer.  Ask for a child support and alimony calculation in advance of your hearing, doing your best to make sure all the numbers add up to what you need to survive. Things can move fast after the hearing; you don't want to find yourself scrambling.  DO NOT add in the money you think you can earn; go with what is in hand. 
4. It is NOT selfish to take money from your ex, especially if there are children involved.  Rather, it is your responsibility to make sure they are provided for.  If you're asking too much, the court will let you know.  

Have other tips?  Share them!