It's in the Bag

I have been struggling mightily with "doing" forgiveness, particularly in showing kindness to my ex.  To be honest, I haven't been kind at all.  "Frigid" is probably closer to the mark.  I have made a commitment to forgive, so my unforgiving behavior has been weighing on me.  It is one thing to decide to do something; it is altogether different to actually do it.  And wanting to do it?  Different planets!

Anyway, in Sunday School this week we were studying 1 John 1.  Verses 6-8 read, "If we claim to have fellowship with [God] yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth.  But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.  If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us." 

Ugh. 

(You know God loves you when you simply cannot go to church without having Him speak directly to a sin in your life!  I am very loved by God!) 

I'd been making all kinds of excuses for myself.  Forgiveness takes time.  This has been a deep, personal betrayal.  Don't expect so much from yourself. 

They're nice excuses.  Plausible excuses.  Universal excuses.  In reality, however, they come down to two pernicious lies.  1.  It's okay to hold onto a little bitterness, anger, and even hatred if the hurt is of sufficient magnitude.  2.  His sins are worse than mine. 

God's truth doesn't say that.  He says to get rid of wrath and hatred and anger.  He says all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.  Period. 

By the time we got halfway through class, I knew I had to apologize to my ex when he picked the kids up for Daddy Day.  Galling?  A little.  Purifying?  A lot. 

After the kids left with him, I loaded the dishwasher and talked to God.  I told Him, for the first time in my life, "I feel like I see the woman You're making me to be, and I like her.  I don't like who I am right now, but I like who I'm going to be." 

I shared that sentiment with a dear college roommate, and she said I was "marinating."  How I love that image!  Like a tough cut of venison, God is soaking me in a bag filled with all kinds of acidic, caustic substances designed to soften the rigid muscles (heart of flesh, anyone?!), add flavor, and transform second-rate stew beef into a gourmet meal. 

By the time I'm done, I'll be a meal fit for a King!